Formal Introductory Email
Dear Professor Blackstone
My name is Ng Hui Juan, one of your students in Critical Thinking and Communicating. This letter serves as my formal introduction to you.
I am currently a freshman here at the Singapore Institute of Technology (SIT), majoring in Mechanical Design and Manufacturing Engineering. Since I was young, I have always been interested in engineering and its processes. My father, an engineer by profession, inspired me to pursue this course as he fascinated me with his home DIY and repair projects. When I discovered that I could pursue design and engineering in Secondary School, I enrolled myself for the subject at the earliest available opportunity. My enjoyment and knack for the discipline led me to pursue a diploma in Product Design and Innovation at Ngee Ann Polytechnic, where I furthered my studies and had real hands-on experience designing products at a stainless steel manufacturing company for my course internship. The experiences I had over the three-year course convinced me that engineering is my life’s calling, and that motivated me to pursue my major here at SIT.
English has never been my strong suit. Oftentimes, people talking to me do not understand straight away the ideas that I’m trying to communicate to them. My vocabulary is weak, hence I am unable to choose the right words because I do not know what the right words are. This unfortunately has manifested itself many times before in serious and formal conversations, where the other party has to awkwardly guess what I’m trying to put forth to them. However, this does not stop me from trying to communicate with others. I have the courage to take initiative to start a conversation with people, even with strangers. I am able to present my thoughts and strike a conversation with people.
What differentiates me apart from my peers is that prior to my education at the university, I graduated with a diploma in Product Design. With a background in the design industry, I have different skill sets, such as critical thinking, and concept generation which I believe would be useful in my studies.
Being the class representative, I help relay messages from my lecturers and announcements to the class. I hope to make use of your communication lesson to improve my communication skills to better communicate and lead the class, hence refining the perception of what my class has of me.
Regards
Hui Juan
As for content wise Hui Juan has covered most of it, but seemed to have a missed out on her strength. As for the goals for this module, it wasn't clearly specified on what she aimed to achieve. Other than the organization is well broken down at each paragraph and language used is clear with what she wanted to express.
ReplyDeleteShe did a good job of constructing the letter despite english not being her strong suit. Other than the lack of a proper ending to the letter, I think she did a good job of introducing herself. There are some sentences that could be altered to make the letter have a better flow but nothing too major too look out for.
ReplyDeletethank you for reading my blog
DeleteHello Hui Juan, you have written a good introduction. As you started by mentioning clearly the aim of this letter, and the inspiration of how you got into the engineering sector. Her organization is smooth and easy to understand. Overall, I feel the letter is good well written.
ReplyDeletethank you for reading
DeleteHello Hui Juan, good content and flow of the letter. You mentioned a great part of your life that aspired you to choose engineering as your career path. Great use of language even though you mention that English is never your strong suit. Overall, this letter is very well written.
ReplyDeletethank you for reading
DeleteSome grammar errors, for example from your third paragraph, "straightaway" and "understand" should be swapped around. So it should be, "Oftentimes, people talking to me do not straightaway understand the ideas that I’m trying to communicate to them.".
ReplyDeleteThere is also a lack of proper ending. But overall a good letter with a clear introduction of herself and a lot of real life examples.
thank you for taking the time to read my blog and suggestion. I will edit and make the necessary changes to my blog.
DeleteDear Hui Juan,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this clear, detailed letter and the personal sharing. I appreciate the rich content that is well aligned with the assignment brief, the effective way you have organized your thoughts and the mainly fluent language use.
You've done a great job providing supporting information for each specific content area, allowing us readers to gain a clear understanding of who you are. I especially like the reference to your interest in product design, which is a noteworthy reason for getting deeper into the engineering field.
You also do a fine job of discussing how you "take initiative to start a conversation with people, even with stranger." That socializing is an essential skills that perhaps gets overlooked in discussion of effective comm.
While your post shows good fluency, there are a few areas to consider:
1. overuse of capital letters
2. sentence structure issues
-- My vocabulary is weak, hence I am unable to choose the right words because I do not know what the right words are. > (comma splice) ?
3. punctuation
-- such as critical thinking, and concept generation which I believe would be useful in my studies. > (missing comma) ?
4. lack of clarity
What does being the class rep have to do with your presence in our class, if anything? Why not connect that to eff comm too?
I look forward to learning more about you this term.
Best wishes,
Brad